November 2020
Drowning In My Fears
42cm X 59cm
Oil Painting
I wanted to express how I felt in recovery from my eating disorder. It was a constant battle of wanting to get better but, at the same time, having the part of me that loved the control I had over my body and believed that I was special for being broken. Breaking my pre-imposed food rules inflicted so much guilt, manifesting in self-loathing and disrespect. I felt that now that I was recovering, my disorder would be invalid, and thus I would also be invalid.
This made me feel like I was trapped. I couldn’t disassociate the stigma I had placed around food, and despite being in constant battle with myself, no one could see these struggles because I was eating ‘normally’ again. To express how my mindset was still stuck in a disordered state, I wanted to show that I was drowning in my fears.
Intent:
Experimentation
Lighting:
I photographed myself underwater to experiment with different expressions that would communicate my feelings best.
I used indirect natural lighting to capture the photos. This way, I avoided giving the water's surface an artificial glare. It also helped the colors appear serene, effectively juxtaposing the agitation present in the subject's facial expressions.
Photo Selection:
I chose the photo to the right in the first row because I think it reflected my message the most. Not only did the subject look like they were deep in the water, but the massive bubble over the mouth also symbolized how a barrier of my own thoughts silenced me.
The photo to the left in the first row seemed like I was actively calling for help– which I wasn’t because I thought I was okay.
Although the middle photo on the second row had also been a good option, there was too much turbulence in the water, which seemed to me as if people could quickly notice the struggle. Hence I chose the photo to the right in the first row.
Process
For this piece, I worked on the painting in sections rather than taking the layered approach where the base color is painted, and the facial features are added on. This is because I found that painting a section at a time gives me much more precision and cohesiveness overall.
Although similarly saturated, there were more blue undertones in the face because there was a vignette effect going on in the photo. Hence, after painting the face I went back to the neck and made it less yellow so that the colors would match the face.
Finally, I painted the bubbles, which was the most challenging part because there were so many details to it that I did not know where to start.